Recently a friend posted a list of regrets that he may have had or have been forwarded or perhaps a combination of both and asked us to add our own regrets that are not on the list. My initial reaction was that they were a bunch of bromides and platitudes and made an inane observation. Surprisingly (or knowing the group, not so surprisingly), there was one other reply and it was made in earnest. That one response made me feel glad that I did say what I thought of the list. Then I started thinking about having regrets per se.
I have learned that the types of regrets that have incredible staying power, namely those about what we could have done, not what we did do wrong. Although we experience both sorts, studies have found that across cultures and demographics, it’s regrets about inactions that haunt more of us for long periods. So you’re more likely to feel achy about never auditioning for that performing-arts school as a teenager, or never went on that college tour, than you are to regret a bad real-estate move or a nightmare job that you took.
Here is the one that belongs to “I could have done” category. This was in March 2010. Jaya and I were in Berkeley, CA attending speech and debate competition as parent judges. We were walking on Shattuck avenue, and saw this person begging. I took the picture to capture human condition and his unfortunate circumstances as a candid shot and gave him perhaps few coins or a dollar and walked away.
As I was walking away, I felt I should have given him more money or buy a lunch and give it him or so many other things I could have done to ease his suffering, even if it was for a short moment. That inaction still haunts me to day.
Few months later, we were visiting Davis, CA on a campus tour and found this elderly person, sitting on a bench looking forlorn and alone. I wanted so badly to buy him a cup of coffee and chat with him for few minutes. But I walked away.
Here is another incident that is still vivid in my memory. This was in May, 2016. We are in Aguas Calientes, Peru. After a eventful hike to Huyana Picchu, and wonderful visit to Machu Picchu ruins, we were waiting for train back to Cusco. There was this small market near the railway station that we wandered into, to kill some time and work off few Pisco sours imbibed earlier. I saw this elderly lady selling some food stuff. I did not have courage to buy her food, but looking at her all I could think of was that would she able to sell anything or have enough money to buy something to eat. My post Machu Picchu euphoria somewhat dissipated. After a minute of concern, I walked away. After leaving the station is when I thought I should have given her some money.
I was mulling on my way back on the train. Wondering, how does she eke out an existence. The momentary attack of imposter guilt was quite intense.
The fact that those incidents happened few years ago, but still haunt me made me realize all regrets are not regretfully equal. We seem to react asymmetrically to each of these types. I am less bothered by the regrets due to mistakes or handle them better emotionally compared to the “could have, should have, would have” type regrets. Boy, I do have plenty of both. It may well be that what I thought was a bromide and/or a platitude is perhaps a regret that can be remedied.
The taxonomy of regrets, that I learned seem to help me deal with my regrets in a better way. As I started practicing this categorization, I have begun to realize that in some cases, the distinction is not as black and white as I thought. But that would be food for thought for tomorrow.
Please stay safe, and stay healthy.
