“I was within and without, simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life.”
Prologue: This quote is from chapter 2 when Nick follows Gatsby to New York. Nick witnesses Tom cheating on Daisy with Myrtle. Nick has had a lot to drink: the partying and debauchery makes his head spin. Nick is both a participant and an observer in a scene that he does not like. Nick is attracted to the excessive larger than life experience of unlimited money and “pleasure” while, at the same time, being repelled by the immorality and superficiality of the scene. ( What does Nick mean by “I was within and without, simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life”? (Fitzgerald 35) | The Great Gatsby Questions | Q & A | GradeSaver )
Now if I take the liberty (albeit with my most sincere apologies to Gatsby and Fitzgerald fans) to replace the quote as follows: “I am attracted to the not so excessive larger than life experience of unlimited photoshoot and “pleasure” while, at the same time, being repelled by my lack of talent and superficiality of my knowledge of the scene.”
This has not been truer in my personal life than when I participated in a model photoshoot organized by the professional photographers’ association of Santa Clara Valley, California.
The location was a 100+ years old school in Morgan Hill, California ( Machado School Heritage Society ). It was a well-organized event with all the photographers assigned time slots and were given complete freedom. There were two stations with studio lights and two stations with natural light coming through. For the first time ever, I used a trigger that is programmed to each of the light groups in each of the stations. The technical aspects of programming the triggers were exhilarating, it was daunting, and at the same time thrilling when lights flashed as expected. The models were from a local modeling academy who agreed to pose as field work, and in return would get photos for their portfolio. It was designed to be a win-win for both photographers (to practice) and for the models (to build their portfolio). Some of them woke up at 5am to get ready for the shoot and drove about 100 miles to come to the location.
When my turn came to do a photo shoot, 4 stations, 7 models at different stations, and an hour of total time (15 minutes per station), I was like deer caught in the headlights. You can see my awkwardness in the photo below and am sure you will sympathize with the otherwise talented models who were waiting for my instructions. I was getting very angry with self for letting them down and quashing their hopes.
As the session went on and getting some on the spot coaching from the fellow attendees (who are professional photographers) I started to feel more confident and comfortable with the situation. The cardinal rules that I broke at the first station (an example above) viz., don’t tell them you don’t know what you are doing, don’t be wishy-washy in your engagement with the model, and don’t look like you are lost. The models feel relaxed when they feel you know what you are doing (Ha!), and when you give specific instructions and also you are open to let them be creative. As I moved from being repulsed by myself into a little bit more confident about my own abilities, things became more exciting to me. I was getting into the character of a model photographer (pun intended).
Here are some of the images that you can see have a different feel to them (you may think not necessarily better) as the evening progressed and my shoot was done.
Here are couple of examples below, of letting the model drive the posing. This young lady is experienced in modeling and is very self-aware. She doesn’t suffer from talent dysmorphia, to be honest. She told me to get ready to snap and turned her back to me. Then she would count and on three she would turn around or twirl and face me. She would also suggest where I should stand for that particular move. I am so thankful for that input.
These are a few walkabout shots I took taking advantage of the downtime and experimenting with my lenses.
The last one above is a candid moment. The other two are my walkabout shots where the models were waiting for their turn at a station or simply walking around. They would oblige and pose the moment you point your camera at them, that too with a smile.
I was so dejected with the results that I did not touch lightroom or held my camera almost for 3 weeks. That has NOT happened since I started dabbling in photography since 2004. It is a combination of “imposter syndrome” and “feeling imposter”. Then I received a notification that the deadline for uploading our photos in the next two weeks. I checked the upload site where other photographers have uploaded their photos and I felt relieved. Based on what I saw, I realized my fears were unfounded and I was not half as bad as I thought. So much so that I had second highest number of photos submitted.
Epilogue: Quite a few of my photos were similar to what they submitted which by definition are their best choices. My confidence restored and self-esteem resurrected. So instead of providing my images in a “me too” fashion, I went to town with my post processing. Adding light leaks, sparkles, and trying some different treatments to provide a variety to the models.
“I was within and without, simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life.”
